Corazon de Swiss

November 27, 2006

Monday, Monday

So, went into work today with my disgruntled co-workers and found out that the bouncing of the paychecks was “just an accounting error.”  As in someone didn’t transfer the money to the account that our paychecks come out of.  Excuse me, but the bouncing of MY paycheck is NOT, I repeat, NOT “just an accounting error”.  Its a gross oversight, that caused me stress after I found out and caused me to curb my activities over the weekend, and my bank to charge me fees, as well as my bills to be paid late.  Which really pisses me off.  Its one thing if I pay bills late because I forgot them, or whatever, but it is NOT okay when my paycheck bouncing causes them to be late. 
Anyway, I’m supposed to be reissued a check tomorrow, before noon so I can go to the bank on my lunch break. And when the bank is done charging me, I can submit those fees for reimbursement. So I suppose it will all be okay in the end.  But I’m still not happy about the whole thing.

So, my mom called a little bit ago and turns out, she’s still not over the Cheesepuff Thanksgiving drama. I wrote in an earlier blog that she was mad that Cheesepuff didn’t invite me to come home with him, or go to our friends, M&M’s house to be with me.  (I should also mention that she decided she didn’t like his mother because she didn’t invite me either, because SHE would’ve invited Cheesepuff if he were far away from home).  I’ve thought about reminding her that she once told me when I was upset that someone didn’t do something I would have done, “You can’t hold others to the high standards you set for yourself.” 
Did it suck not to be invited to Cheesepuff’s house? Yes.  Did his mother invite me?  I have no idea- if she did, Cheesepuff never told me.  Did it suck that Cheesepuff didn’t come to M&M’s house, if for no other reason than to be with me? Yes. 
But, I did talk to him about it, in 2 long, late night conversations.  (For some reason, I am unable to talk about these things at a decent hour- must always talk about them at midnight.  And only after I have already talked to Cheesepuff, said goodbye and after about 10 minutes am unable to sleep. But I digress.) And I dealt with it.  I’m really quite over it.  Though I hate to admit it, Cheesepuff was totally right and I did have lots of fun with M&M, baby M and the family.  Probably more than I would have at his house. 
So I ask you internet- WHY can’t my mother let go already? And must she tell all of her friends who think its a big red flag and are praying about it, about it?  I told her last week when I was upset that I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to her about Cheesepuff anymore, because I don’t like when she talks bad about him.  Because, for all his faults, I love Cheesepuff.  And I want my own mother to like him for heaven’s sake!  And I don’t want to have to defend Cheesepuff to her constantly.  Seriously, I’m beginning to think she wants me to break up with him.
In other news, I don’t think I told you that I’ve submitted my resume to the recruiter I received email about from my friend A. Who is leaving me this week.  Boo hoo.  Its been a week, so I am going to wait until tomorrow to re-email her and see if I get a response.  I’m not sure what I want to happen at this point, so I’m trying to sit back and have faith in God’s plan.  And we know how good I am at that!

November 25, 2006

I’m going to kill someone on Monday…

Filed under: Bitching,Ranting and Raving — by corazondeswiss @ 2:32 pm

My boss just called me at home. On Saturday.  To tell me that two of my co-workers had informed her that their paychecks had been returned for insufficient funds.  And she checked hers online.  It was as well.  So I checked mine- gone.  And thus far I’ve been charged $17 in fees due to the over draft of my account.  I went out and spent money after work yesterday- paid to have my car washed and waxed.  Filled my car up with gas.  Bought groceries and cat litter.  And those charges are still out and now I’ll have to pay overdraft on those as well.  I’m SO annoyed.  And I better get reimbursed for my bank charges by my employer.  Because this is RIDICULOUS.  I should NEVER have to worry that my paycheck is going to be returned as insufficient funds.  NEVER.  I was going to pay some bills online this weekend, but I guess I’ll have to pay them late.  After I recover my paycheck.  And my bank fees.  And pray that the bank doesn’t start holding ALL of my paychecks 5 days from now on to make sure they’re going to clear, because that is going to piss me off royally. 
Now I’m off to root the Gators in against FSWho?   GO GATORS!!!

November 19, 2006

Disappointment

Filed under: Cheesepuff,Love & Relationships — by corazondeswiss @ 11:23 pm

Why disappointment?  Because I let my self believe that a proposal from Cheesepuff was a possibility this weekend.  Because I want him to so badly.  Because Cheesepuff did not accept the invitation to our friends’ house where I will be spending Thanksgiving (he can go home, and I can’t because of my work schedule).  In effect, he chose his family over me.  And if I’m being honest with myself- I’d totally be with my family this weekend for the holiday.  But I can’t.  And if Cheesepuff were away from his family I’d find a way to spend it with him.  Even if it meant being away from my family.  In the past I have chosen him (and his family) over mine.  If I only knew then what I know now. 
And I’m beginning to dread talking to my mom about him.  Because she wants me to come home.  And she thinks maybe Cheesepuff isn’t right for me.  She’s mad at Cheesepuff for not deciding to come to our friends’ house. She thinks he’s not putting me first.  And I think she’s afraid that will be an ongoing trend.  That I will be the odd man out at family gatherings- that he’ll choose them over me, that I’ll always have to put my family second.  And that will cause a rift between us. 
Oh internet, I’m so torn.  Because the thought of breaking up with Cheesepuff breaks my heart in a million little pieces.  I don’t want to use a break up as a means of getting what I want. And I never wanted to give him the ultimatum that I have.  Because I didn’t want to be the kind of girl who does those things.  I want(ed) to be the kind of girl who was pursued, loved and adored.  And I think I am.  But sometimes (like tonight) I’m not so sure.  I hate feeling unsure. 
And to top it all off, my friend A. forwarded me an email from a recruiter about a position in our hometown.  With a relocation bonus and a sign on bonus. And the money is a little less than I make now, but with the bonuses I could be okay financially.  Its times like that when I feel like someone (God?) is trying to tell me something but I’m not sure.  I wish He’d just call me on the Hello phone and tell me what to do (as my sister would say).  It would be a lot easier. 

November 15, 2006

Nightmare on my street!

Filed under: Random Cheesiness — by corazondeswiss @ 9:38 pm

Oh my goodness.  I woke up this morning and I had been dreaming (nightmaring!) about work.  I work in a skilled nursing facility.  Most of the time its a good place to work.  The therapy staff (my immeadiate co-workers) are great to work with.  Most of the nurses and care staff are great to work with as well.  The patients are well, they’re not all the dream patients you think you’ll get when you are in school.  Let’s just put it that way.  But like I said, most of the time its a good place to work.  Even if it has been getting to me lately. 
So, imagine my horror when I dreamt that I had been sent there after contracting an infection (which I probably got from work!) to recuperate.  Seriously, who would want to recuperate at your place of work? How on earth would you get any rest?  Anyway, back to the dream.  So in the dream, I’m standing on the floor (hallway) arguing with the nurse who is our unit manager on the second floor telling her that I am going home.  I know my rights, and I can’t be forced to stay there.  I want to go home.  And she is telling me, You can’t go home.  You have a PICC line.  You’re on IV Vancomycin.  So I tell her, oh yes I can.  I’ll come back everyday and you can hook me up to the IV or send a home health nurse.  But I am going home to sleep in my bed. 
Today I am SO tired.  I took a catnap when I got home from work and forced myself to go to the gym.  I am glad I did, but now I am sore and even more tired.  And I have lots to do tonight.  I should not be sitting here, writing blog posts, but here I am.  I should be checking what I have in the kitchen for what I need for the potluck on Friday so I can go to the store tomorrow.  Yet, here I am.  Writing a blogpost. 

November 8, 2006

Struggling Day to Day

Filed under: Cheesepuff,Love & Relationships,Ranting and Raving — by corazondeswiss @ 10:20 pm

Cheesepuff was here this weekend, and when it came time for him to leave on Sunday, I became an emotional wreck.  This has only been happening in the last few months, I think as I have been more and more ready for him to propose.  This is not like me at all.  In fact, when we first started dating, it was nice in some ways to be apart.  I enjoyed our time together and our time apart.  I was able to maintain my independence and enjoy being a couple.  It seemed like being apart made being together much more special. 
In the last few months, that hasn’t seemed so true.  I’ve always been okay when we’ve parted.  But around our third anniversary its gotten harder.  I’ve started getting more emotional, crying when its time for us to part ways.  It’s been awful for me- this is not who I am!  I think part of it is related to knowing how much I want to marry Cheesepuff and waiting so long for him to propose.  I was even crying and unhappy on my birthday.  I thought he might propose on our anniversary, or my birthday or sometime this summer.  Part of this is related to feeling a little left behind- many of my college and grad school friends are marrying, beginning families.  And this summer my best friend and my brother had their first babies.  And when I held those little ones, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to have a little baby cheese of our own.  And in the case of my brother how much I had wanted to have the first grandchild.  And be the first to get married.  (And how much I do NOT like my sister-in-law, but have put that aside to throw a baby shower, buy presents and work on a birth sampler cross-stitch). 
I always thought, esp. since we started dating that by this point in time we’d be married and/or well on our way there.  I took a job in South Florida so we would be closer to one another.  I thought it would be temporary until we got married.  I never thought it would be this long that I’d be here and waiting for his proposal. 
When we started dating, I thought for sure that my self-created life timeline would fall right into place- married by 27, enjoy newlywed status for about 2 years, have first baby around 29-30.  Obiviously this is not going to happen now- I’m 27 and we’re not married.  Not even engaged. And I’m crying everytime we part.  Crying between visits. Crying by myself.  Crying on the phone.  Begging, pleading with him to stay with me, to make our union permanent to spend our lives together.  I want so much to do that.  I feel like time is just slipping away, that there won’t be enough moments together.  And I’m several hours from my family.  Going home is getting harder because I don’t want to leave.  And now they are all trying to talk me into moving home- thinking maybe that will push Cheesepuff into proposing. 
In June, when I renewed my lease (for what I have stated will be THE LAST TIME), I cried for a long time when I talked to Cheesepuff about it.  I told him that I would not renew unless he promised that when the lease was up that things would be different.  VASTLY different. I issued an ultimatum.  I promised myself I wouldn’t do that.  I promised myself I wouldn’t be one of THOSE girls.  And then I became one.  Because after I have been dating Cheesepuff for three years, I figured that he’d be ready to committ to me.
I think it can be pretty hard for Cheesepuff- I’m pretty independent, dominant and I like to be in charge.  And I think, growing up, his dad was the dominant force in the household and in CHeesepuff’s life. I think Cheesepuff has  been struggling to find his independence to a certain degree.  I was fortunate because I was raised to be independent, and was given a lot of independence at a point when I was unable to be financially independent- I was given the freedom to make decisions that would have consequences as opposed to having them made for me and never discovering the direct consequences of my actions and decisions.  And I’ve always been very driven, know what I wanted and how to get it.  It’s hard to do that when what you want is to be married to someone who is waiting to propose (waiting for what, I don’t know, because I’m beginning to think its me going crazy). The reasons are vague, and seem to change when I’m no longer willing to accept them.  I have been feeling that I am a failure.  Cheesepuff assures me that this is not the case.  Cheesepuff knows I am frustrated with him.  Knows I’m exhausted by the situation.  Feeling EXTREMELY out of control. 
So today, I’m just feeling a little blue- aftermath of Cheesepuff’s departure on Sunday.  Frustrated because work is getting to me a lot.  Again.  Wishing he’d just bite the bullet and ask me already.  So I could look into moving home.  So I could start planning my wedding.  So we could start OUR LIFE, TOGETHER. 

Hello world!

Filed under: Cheesepuff,It's All About Me — by corazondeswiss @ 3:16 am

A blog is born!  I’ve been blogging on my MySpace page, and on blogger, under my real name, but am finding it difficult at times because there are things that I would like to publish, but won’t because I know that my boyfriend, my friends and possibly my family read them.  So I’ve started this blog under an alias and I’ll be using aliases for my loved ones. 

So, welcome to my world internet!  My name is Swiss and these are the words of my heart (and mind).  I’m an occupational therapist, living and working in Florida, where I was born.  I bet you thought there weren’t any native Floridians left, didn’t you?  There are! And I am a member of the 5th generation of my family to have been residents of Florida. My brother and a couple of my cousins have begun the 6th generation of Floridians. 
I went to the University of Florida for my undergrad and met the love of my life (we’ll call him Cheesepuff in this blog) while there although we did not start dating until I was in grad school at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. I also met my bestest friends in the whole world while I was there and they are my bestest friends still! (They’ll be introduced as we go along).
So, why the name Swiss you ask?  Well my first name is not pronounced in the way you would expect based on the spelling, and the fact that I am from the South, and we do love to add the syllables, y’all!  So, in order to avoid that terrible second syllable of my name, in high school and college my friends called me by the first syllable of my name which happens to be a type of cheese.  Then they started calling me “Brie” Cheese.  When I met a new friend and he found out about my nickname he said, I don’t like “Brie” Cheese.  Can I call you Swiss?  No one calls me Swiss but him, so I figured it would be safe to use as my alias. 
Cheesepuff and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years.  Long distance.  When we first started dating, I was in grad school and Cheesepuff was in undergrad (I am 2 years older).  I struggled with that idea when we first started dating, but was urged by many (my mom!) to not stress about it, and give Cheesepuff a chance.  So I did.  And 3 1/2 years later, Cheesepuff and I are still apart but together.  This is a source of great and frequent frustration for me.  I’ll probably blog about it A LOT.  I apologize for this in advance. 

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