Corazon de Swiss

November 8, 2006

Struggling Day to Day

Filed under: Cheesepuff,Love & Relationships,Ranting and Raving — by corazondeswiss @ 10:20 pm

Cheesepuff was here this weekend, and when it came time for him to leave on Sunday, I became an emotional wreck.  This has only been happening in the last few months, I think as I have been more and more ready for him to propose.  This is not like me at all.  In fact, when we first started dating, it was nice in some ways to be apart.  I enjoyed our time together and our time apart.  I was able to maintain my independence and enjoy being a couple.  It seemed like being apart made being together much more special. 
In the last few months, that hasn’t seemed so true.  I’ve always been okay when we’ve parted.  But around our third anniversary its gotten harder.  I’ve started getting more emotional, crying when its time for us to part ways.  It’s been awful for me- this is not who I am!  I think part of it is related to knowing how much I want to marry Cheesepuff and waiting so long for him to propose.  I was even crying and unhappy on my birthday.  I thought he might propose on our anniversary, or my birthday or sometime this summer.  Part of this is related to feeling a little left behind- many of my college and grad school friends are marrying, beginning families.  And this summer my best friend and my brother had their first babies.  And when I held those little ones, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to have a little baby cheese of our own.  And in the case of my brother how much I had wanted to have the first grandchild.  And be the first to get married.  (And how much I do NOT like my sister-in-law, but have put that aside to throw a baby shower, buy presents and work on a birth sampler cross-stitch). 
I always thought, esp. since we started dating that by this point in time we’d be married and/or well on our way there.  I took a job in South Florida so we would be closer to one another.  I thought it would be temporary until we got married.  I never thought it would be this long that I’d be here and waiting for his proposal. 
When we started dating, I thought for sure that my self-created life timeline would fall right into place- married by 27, enjoy newlywed status for about 2 years, have first baby around 29-30.  Obiviously this is not going to happen now- I’m 27 and we’re not married.  Not even engaged. And I’m crying everytime we part.  Crying between visits. Crying by myself.  Crying on the phone.  Begging, pleading with him to stay with me, to make our union permanent to spend our lives together.  I want so much to do that.  I feel like time is just slipping away, that there won’t be enough moments together.  And I’m several hours from my family.  Going home is getting harder because I don’t want to leave.  And now they are all trying to talk me into moving home- thinking maybe that will push Cheesepuff into proposing. 
In June, when I renewed my lease (for what I have stated will be THE LAST TIME), I cried for a long time when I talked to Cheesepuff about it.  I told him that I would not renew unless he promised that when the lease was up that things would be different.  VASTLY different. I issued an ultimatum.  I promised myself I wouldn’t do that.  I promised myself I wouldn’t be one of THOSE girls.  And then I became one.  Because after I have been dating Cheesepuff for three years, I figured that he’d be ready to committ to me.
I think it can be pretty hard for Cheesepuff- I’m pretty independent, dominant and I like to be in charge.  And I think, growing up, his dad was the dominant force in the household and in CHeesepuff’s life. I think Cheesepuff has  been struggling to find his independence to a certain degree.  I was fortunate because I was raised to be independent, and was given a lot of independence at a point when I was unable to be financially independent- I was given the freedom to make decisions that would have consequences as opposed to having them made for me and never discovering the direct consequences of my actions and decisions.  And I’ve always been very driven, know what I wanted and how to get it.  It’s hard to do that when what you want is to be married to someone who is waiting to propose (waiting for what, I don’t know, because I’m beginning to think its me going crazy). The reasons are vague, and seem to change when I’m no longer willing to accept them.  I have been feeling that I am a failure.  Cheesepuff assures me that this is not the case.  Cheesepuff knows I am frustrated with him.  Knows I’m exhausted by the situation.  Feeling EXTREMELY out of control. 
So today, I’m just feeling a little blue- aftermath of Cheesepuff’s departure on Sunday.  Frustrated because work is getting to me a lot.  Again.  Wishing he’d just bite the bullet and ask me already.  So I could look into moving home.  So I could start planning my wedding.  So we could start OUR LIFE, TOGETHER. 

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