Corazon de Swiss

November 19, 2006

Disappointment

Filed under: Cheesepuff,Love & Relationships — by corazondeswiss @ 11:23 pm

Why disappointment?  Because I let my self believe that a proposal from Cheesepuff was a possibility this weekend.  Because I want him to so badly.  Because Cheesepuff did not accept the invitation to our friends’ house where I will be spending Thanksgiving (he can go home, and I can’t because of my work schedule).  In effect, he chose his family over me.  And if I’m being honest with myself- I’d totally be with my family this weekend for the holiday.  But I can’t.  And if Cheesepuff were away from his family I’d find a way to spend it with him.  Even if it meant being away from my family.  In the past I have chosen him (and his family) over mine.  If I only knew then what I know now. 
And I’m beginning to dread talking to my mom about him.  Because she wants me to come home.  And she thinks maybe Cheesepuff isn’t right for me.  She’s mad at Cheesepuff for not deciding to come to our friends’ house. She thinks he’s not putting me first.  And I think she’s afraid that will be an ongoing trend.  That I will be the odd man out at family gatherings- that he’ll choose them over me, that I’ll always have to put my family second.  And that will cause a rift between us. 
Oh internet, I’m so torn.  Because the thought of breaking up with Cheesepuff breaks my heart in a million little pieces.  I don’t want to use a break up as a means of getting what I want. And I never wanted to give him the ultimatum that I have.  Because I didn’t want to be the kind of girl who does those things.  I want(ed) to be the kind of girl who was pursued, loved and adored.  And I think I am.  But sometimes (like tonight) I’m not so sure.  I hate feeling unsure. 
And to top it all off, my friend A. forwarded me an email from a recruiter about a position in our hometown.  With a relocation bonus and a sign on bonus. And the money is a little less than I make now, but with the bonuses I could be okay financially.  Its times like that when I feel like someone (God?) is trying to tell me something but I’m not sure.  I wish He’d just call me on the Hello phone and tell me what to do (as my sister would say).  It would be a lot easier. 

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