Corazon de Swiss

April 5, 2007

On the defensive side…

Filed under: Cheesepuff,Love & Relationships,Ranting and Raving,Ringwatch 2007 — by corazondeswiss @ 8:44 pm

Not long ago I wrote about my mom’s comment at the family reunion and being frustrated with her…Yesterday my co-workers were asking about my relationship at lunch and I got a little bothered by it.  It seems like I am always having to defend my choice to be with CP, but be long distance.  Let’s be fair here, I am not the only one who makes decisions in this relationship.  And I have always tried to talk to him about taking a new job- especially this last one because I moved to take it and moved further away. 
But I was very unhappy where I was and moving home helps me big time financially.  I’m not paying rent, I can pay off my credit card debt and only owe on my car and school loan.  And I can also pay more on my car and get that debt out of the way.  Especially since financial matters seem to be one of CP’s biggest worries about getting married.  So I moved. 
I told CP last night I am so tired of defending things.  No matter how well meaning people are, or if they are just interested and trying to understand, I am tired of it.  It really annoys me when people ask me, “Why didn’t you move there?”  Why didn’t I move there?  Because I’m trying to save money, not spend it.  Because I don’t believe in living together before marriage.  Because if I did and we lived together then what impetus would he have to change things.  And you know what, while I am at it, why the hell does everyone think I have to move?  Why can’t he move to be with me?  Why does everyone think that I’m the one resisting marriage?  Even CP’s co-workers have asked me when I’m going to marry him.   Hell if I know, your guess is as good as mine.  The person who WANTS to be in the drivers seat here, won’t freakin’ tell me anything.  People, if it were up to me, I’d be Mrs. CP right now.  I wouldn’t be on the interweb complaining about why I’m not engaged or married.
It’s frustrating because everyone seems to think I can do something about it and that by now something should have happened already.  And they all think its so easy to say CP, propose or I’m out of here.   
I know that I’m especially sensitive because our anniversary was Tuesday, and I really really really really thought we’d already be engaged.  And because I told CP last June that he had a year to get his shit together.  And I’m getting scared that I will have to make good on that.  Honestly, I get ill when I think about breaking up with him.  I’m getting teary just typing all this.  Its NOT what I want to do.  I don’t want to be the kind of girl who has to make threats and give ultimatums in order to get what she wants.  I hate that I am turning into that girl.  Because I feel as if I have no choice.  I have been as patient as I know how.  And you know what else interweb?  I really hate it when people tell me to tell him “Propose or I’m moving on”  Like its that easy.  I’ve just invested 4 years of my life in this man and this relationship.  And I want to keep investing in it, because I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. 
Sorry to rant at length about all this (again).   

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3 Comments »

  1. I hear you. It’s not a freaking one sided debate; I think if it were just up to us long-term relationship girls, we’d all be happily settled down with our partners by now. I keep getting asked by my mum WHAT would I do if marriage and settling down wasn’t on Jason’s agenda. Is it what I want? Could I live with him all the while knowing I wouldn’t get what I want? It’s a bloody tough question, but the answer was no.

    I want marriage. I want committment. And it was up to HIM to realise that if he wasn’t interested? It wouldn’t be looking good. Thankfully, he’s given me some promise of a long-term thing, just not anytime soon unfortunately.

    You know what you want. You want him. But you also want committment. Which is more important? Bloody hard decision, isn’t it.

    Comment by alyndabear — April 6, 2007 @ 9:54 pm |Reply

  2. And I told him once that our relationship is the only thing I’ve ever failed at. I have always gotten what I wanted- I got into every college I applied to. Hell, I got into a college I didn’t apply to. I got into all the grad schools I applied to. I’ve been offered every job I’ve applied for. Ever. But I can’t get what I want from him.
    I know what I want. I want a committment from the man that I love. What’s so hard about that? And why does everyone have an unsolicited opinion on the subject?

    Comment by corazondeswiss — April 7, 2007 @ 9:01 pm |Reply

  3. *hugs*

    Am sorry for your situation, because I’m right here with you! (And apologies if my opinion on the subject is one of the annoying ones, too)

    xo

    Comment by Alyndabear — April 8, 2007 @ 3:19 am |Reply


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